inquiry and bloodlust

For some reason, 4am felt like the right time to get up and do my homework that's not due until Wednesday. The upshot of this is that I'm done. With my last class. For my Masters. So potentially my last class ever. And since I (for reasons long and varied and multiple and somewhat ludicrous) resigned from my PhD lab and program, this could very well really be my last class ever.

I might be done with academia.

Whoa. I feel weird.

1am: Died in P3P mere steps away from a teleporter to safety. Lost 1.5 hours of playtime.
9:30am: Called about more birth control pill refills, which I need to avoid becoming dangerously anemic. Have to come in for an appointment to get them - last time I went to the women's health center, the doctor asked me if I get fast food a lot and when I said my boyfriend cooks, she said, "Tell him he's killing you." Not looking forward to going back there.
10:45am: Went to class, which turned out to be a game show style review for the final. Knew only one of six answers, because I haven't studied yet and my memory is shit. Felt like an idiot.
12pm: Met with the professor about a past homework. Turns out the question about the stuff I missed while I was having a mental meltdown I botched completely. Have to redo it to pull that assignment from a C to a B. Felt even more like an idiot.
1pm: Called about more sertraline refills. Have to come in for an appointment to get those as well, in this case a mental health check-up where a non-mental health doctor makes me answer questions about my brain stuff.
2pm: Panic attack while walking into Target (to get pills for my dog who - guess what? - also has panic attacks).
6:30pm: Attempted to do the dishes. Ended up curled up on the couch with cramps.

Current Mood: Is it January yet?

Sliiiiightly tipsy. Like, half a bottle of wine and a double Pina Colada. Not able to understand point spread functions anymore. I may not have understood them completely sober either, but shh about that. I did order a Skymall catalog, though. I'd say that's a win.

I want to write fic, but I fear it will make no sense in the morning. Perhaps this calls for more alcohol? Or more Gobstoppers. Freakin' love Gobstoppers.

Check out this video:


Nifty! Now check out this explanation of what's happening in the video. Even more nifty!

I'm particularly partial to this bit at the end:
Some people think that science takes away the beauty and wonder of the world, but it doesn’t. It adds to it. It takes something we don’t understand and turns it into something we do. Instead of spinning conspiracy theories, we can use science to help us construct a more accurate, more complete, and more true view of the Universe. And yes, more beautiful as well. I’ll take the beauty of truth any day of the week.

These ask-tumblrs for Kurt and Yosuke are awesome and now I want awkward Kurt/Yosuke friendship. And Souji, Kanji, Puck, and Finn being bros. These fandoms, they should not mesh, but... but... I want!

This LA Times op-ed makes my atheist and scientist selves happy. My writer self wants me to get back to fic already, while my artist self insists I instead reread pterawaters's fic so I can get cracking on the art. My tired self tells them all to shut the fuck up for a minute, jesus christ, and let me drink my milkshake in peace.

I got a weird stonework-ish mug at the thrift store that says YACHTING. That's the only text. I love it dearly.

On top of everything else, I so want to try this. It will do nothing but make me cross-eyed and cause a huge mess, but I'm compelled and I have no clue why. Hm.

How to end this post, how to end this post... oh, I know! Chris Colfer. Guh.

Logic, yay!

And as the complete flipside to that...
Me: *looks up at the screen just in time to see Jaime plow someone over in L.A. Noire; like, a full-on tumbling underneath, limbs flailing, bouncing as the tires roll over plow-down* Oh my god! You just killed someone! You totally killed someone!
Jaime: Yeah, that was Bekowsky.

- GET UP, FROSH!
- This disaster advice is pretty sound, but how am I supposed to outrun the undead while carting gallons of drinking water? I've got to puzzle through that one for a while.
- Watched "Best Worst Movie". I am irrationally proud of myself for finding that movie and adoring it well before it became a cult thing. Seriously, the neighbor girls and I rented it from the local video place, watched it once, mixed vanilla ice cream and green sugar sprinkles into a mush, and then watched it again. Want some, Joshua?
- What are you guys going to do when 3% of the world gets raptured at 6pm tomorrow? I'm thinking booze and looting. Gotta enjoy those heathen months before armageddon.
- Name a game. Seriously. In the comments, list some games. Video, card, party, whatever. Please?

Oh. My god. It has been too long, my friends. Allow me to explain:

- My great uncle died. He was the closest thing my mom had to a father, and though we knew it was coming, it still hurt. What made it even worse is that a bunch of "family" (i.e. bio-related and/or marriage-related, but jackasses I am not fond of) crawled out of the woodwork to steal, literally steal, his belongings. And I'm 99% sure one of them had a hand in his actual death. And some of them are ex-cons with past violent convictions. It's a big fucking mess. At least it's settling down now.

- The Japan trip is off. We'd kind of gotten to the point where we didn't think it was feasible for us both to go, but Jaime at least was going to bring me back a souvenir. Then the nuclear thing happened. What with Jaime being a cancer survivor and all, we got nervous about him going, especially since he gets a bunch of radiation from his check-up scans every few months. Long story short, he e-mailed, his advisor understood, and said advisor will present Jaime's paper for the conference so Jaime doesn't have to go. Whee!

- Being a TA sucks. The time. Yargh.

- Minor mental meltdown as a result of lab stresses. My advisor is the type to motivate with stress and doesn't seem to believe in positive reinforcement. Add that onto anxiety, depression, and a touch of Imposter Syndrome, and sometimes I just hit critical.

+ Second pup! We adopted Opal, a 1 year old hound mix, and she is soooo sweet and cute. ( Observe! )

( BONUS - the reptile corner! )

( BONUS BONUS - seen in a parking garage! )

Phbt phbt phbt phbt phbt phbt phbt.

Waiting for stuff in the lab. Got another hour to go. I want to go home and sleeeeep. Well, watch Modern Family and then sleep. Yes.

On a happier note, I was a total dork and signed up for kurt_disney with a vague idea of what I wanted to write, and then boom. The ideas all coalesced in my head into something that has the potential to be awesome. I'm really excited about it now. Of course, I just had to go and do this during what may be my busiest term of grad school. Maybe that's a good thing, though. Force me to give myself rec time. Hm.

And then on an anxious note, I get the worst buyer's remorse over stupid things. Like, I need facial lotion. My skin is touchy and I've decided that a Lush purchase would be the best fit. So, I throw a couple other things in. And then I waffle. For hours. For literal weeks. And after I've decided it's not wrong to spend some money on myself (even if it is like $90 for 5 items, which is sooooo egocentric in my head) and I hit submit (less than half an hour ago, after first putting this order together in December), I'm wracked with guilt. How could I do that? That money could've gone to... something... abstract... that I have no idea about... but how could I? This happens with everything I buy that costs more than $5. Hell, I wibble about spending less than $5 sometimes. Bag of scraps at the thrift store that's $1.99 instead of the usual 99¢? Complete meltdown. Not kidding - that's a true example. Not sure how to deal with this little corner of my psychoses. The panic attacks are (knock on wood) pretty much under control and the general anxiety has greatly lessened, though the depression is untouched by my medication and is only handled via what I've learned in therapy, but I still have these little tics that cripple me at odd moments. Like this spending money thing, or the way I sometimes synchronize my breathing to what I'm doing and/or repeat motions and I can't stop until it feels right, or how the volume on the TV has to be set to an even number or else my shoulders will itch.

Man, I did not intend this entry to be about my mental quirks. Guess that's what happens when you're over-caffeinated and under-rested and stuck in the lab after dark. 43 more minutes to go. Hm hm hm.

Ohhh, and one of the guys upstairs called me out on my lack of social skills today. I laughed it off, and he meant it in a humorous way and not a scolding one, but I could feel my face getting red as soon as he left and I was all shaky the next time I stood up. I wish I didn't replay scenarios in my head and think about what I could have done better. I wish I could let things go.